10. Wear shorts at least 4 sizes too big.

9. Own two pair of athletic shoes, each of which costs more than your parents earn in a week.

8. If an opponent should run within 2 inches of you, fall down as quickly and dramatically as the stock market in 1929.

7. Going up court, dribble the ball first with your right hand, then your left, bounce it behind your back, bounce under and between your legs, and do a fancy twirl. (It doesn't matter that no one is guarding you. The cheerleaders will be impressed.)

6. Even though the gym temperature is 67 degrees, sweat like a glass of iced tea in 100 degree weather. Wipe your face on your shirt.

5. Be absolutely certain that no hair on your head exceeds 1/4 inch in length. Underarm hair, on the other hand, should be thick, long, smelly, and dripping wet.

4. Be able to jump as high as a hungry trout after a fat moth.

3. Know how to slip your hand into an opponent's dribble as smoothly as Aunt Edna sticks her nose into other people's business.

2. Be able to look cool, despite the fact that you bear a strong resemblance to a giraffe.

1. Be able to change speed and direction as quickly as a politician who discovers that the woman he just hit on works as a reporter for the Washington Post.