by Whoopsta
© 2002 Whoopsta, all rights reserved
Deep inside every angry woman, is a raging child, screaming to be heard. A rage that grows from that first slap, first punch, first scream and first experience with what is now referred to as "inappropriate touch". These experiences would be taught from the very people that as a child, I would have no choice, but to accept as my family, because i was "chosen" through the process of adoption.
The abuse began before I was able to walk, still in the crawling stage, when Mom decided I was crying too much for her to tolerate, and in her rage, broke both my legs. The abuse ended at the age of 20, when she punched me for laughing because her false teeth had flown out of her mouth while yelling at me. Sandwiched in between those years, was the "inappropriate touching" at the hands of my Father.
The little girl inside of me grew enraged over the years, and by the age of 30, I had attempted suicide 6 times (3 of which i was hospitalized for), been in and out of Drug Rehabilitation Centers and was looked upon by other family and friends to be a real loser.
During my thirty's I began my road to recovery. Taking the road that so many thousands of men and women have traveled. Trying to learn the difference between Anger and Rage. For me, it was very complex and difficult because, for me, there was no difference. They were one and the same emotion, and I did exactly what I was taught. My only goal in life at that time, was to pay back my parents in any way that I could. I felt my anger was justified, and that whatever I did to them, could never equal the emotional and physical pain they caused me. I was so wrong!
Through the years I have learned that it is possible to heal, to love and most importantly, to forgive. Forgiveness is not easy, for to forgive means digging deep inside yourself, and healing from the inside out. It doesnt come from a pill given by a Psychiatrist, and it most assuredly does not come in the form of abusing yourself, or others. For me, it came when I was willing to accept the fact that parents are human, capable of making mistakes and equally deserving of the chance to right, what they had done wrong.
My Mom made the first move, in our road to recovery as Mother and Daughter, a road that took us five years to complete. We spent countless hours talking, listening, crying, and learning to love each other as people with all our faults. Forgiveness came in small amounts as you we took turns making amends for what we had done to each other. Now, as the end of her life approaches, I consider myself to be very lucky to have such a wonderful Mom. We now know the meaning of unconditional love for one another, she is what I like to call my Torch Bearer, for if you ask her, she will now say that she is very proud of the woman I have become and always encourages me to be the best Me that I can be.
Anger is an emotion that we all experience, its what we do with that anger that determines how we live our lives. For years, I chose to live in hate, and it showed in every aspect of my life. Now, I choose to live my life in love, and although I still have a lot of growing to do, I know I will succeed. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, because it healed me, and when I kept hittin walls of failure in my life, it was because I was unwilling to really and truly, forgive. What a beautiful gift, I would have missed out on, had I not!